have that feeling that i should write something .. write before i explore all those feelings inside keep me fighting for things that i already don't want .. it's not the subject why i am here now.. dear diaries sometimes i feel like u live better than me like i am not saying i don't want them anymore but at the same time it seems like they don't love me like they used before like they are some new people I've never known and that hurts really hurts
if u didn't understand what i am talking about
it's my parents.
i wish they can read what i am writing, wish they can feel the same ..especially my mom because she thinks i am heartless i don't care for her feelings or for anyone also she do think that i love myself and that i put me before everyone but if she tries to see me for once she would see that i am not what she thought and every time she insulted me with those words that keep eating me inside and i can't do a thing but yelling at her and not saying a thing just screaming without a word ...
you know i do think about suicide but at the same time at don't have the courage to do it like not the act that make me scared not at all like i am used to hurting myself used for pain but i'm scared to i someone survive me and then i wouldn't have the courage to continue living with them at the same house especially i would always look in their eyes that i'm depressed and that what i hate the most.
lately I've posted a lot of sad stuff that i always read and i always liked but then everybody gets scared and asked me if i was okay and if i had no problem but the only idea i get from all that is that i've been always like that and i was so cool and soo pro pretending and nobody notice that I'm hurting inside ..hurting in silence, even my boyfriend i keep searching for things to make him understand that maybe i'm not the old one i get older and get depressed ... the difficult now is i have problem with my self and i don't know how to solve it and every time i do ask someone they don't give what i wanted or what I'm searching for at the same time i don't know what i'm looking for like i do want things like i don't even know them
is someone ever felt like that?
hating everybody including urself but at the same time not wanting to go cause ur afraid of what could happen next ..i'm writing this and not even thinking about why or for who or how to solve all that
but i keep thinking about i should find the problem and i do believe that i can't find ti alone but i don't know who should i ask .. i already ask everybody and a different way but they didn't get interested ...
i really think that i should go, this life isn't meant for me
there are people that meant to live and I'm not one of them.
NB: and for all those who think i'm sad now and that something happened to me that's why i'm feeling like that now sadly nothing happened and for all the girls i'm really in a happy moment and i do feel nothing and that make me wondering why ......